The DeVito to Your Schwarzenegger
My first days in AFCOB, the newsgroup, are typical teenage early internet days. I don’t know how to be, so I lie through my teeth about who I am. So what, because the internet is faceless and there are no consequences. Right?
But then I meet Gena.
Gena (Jen-uh, don’t put it in your head incorrectly) is smart. She is a few years older and has been a Conan girl for longer. She has been to dozens of tapings. She knows where to go, what to do, and who is who at the show. She immediately calls me on my shit. She is right to do so. I apologize for being what I now know was a catfish. She forgives me, and we become friends. Good friends. Great friends. She laughs at my juvenile crush on Conan because she has a somewhat less juvenile crush on Mark Pender. And Pender is not only awesome at the trumpet, he is approachable. And kind.
In the spring of sophomore year, I make a new Conan friend. She is a year younger than me and lives in Orange County, California. Her name is Julia, and I have pretended to be someone else so many times that I’m unsure if she’s real. By this time, my bedroom is a well-organized vault of T-120 video tapes that are full of Conan. At first I do two episodes per tape, but realize if I slow the tape speed, I can fit six. I have a labeling system that changes over time. First I label with the guest names, then switch to the comedy bits, then finally the original air date AND the comedy bits. Guests become inconsequential.
Over the summer, Julia asks me to record Conan for her for two weeks because she will be out of the country with her family in the UK. I am happy to do it. She sees Seth Meyers and his brother perform at the Fringe festival.
I am a junior now. I am changing and I can feel it. I demand to take the AP US History and advanced English classes at school. They are honors classes. I’ve never been in honors anything besides band. Music has always come easily to me, so have reading and writing. But studying is something I have to work at. And I’m actually willing to work hard for the first time in my life. I have found something that makes me want to be really smart.
I sit with my best friends in these classes and discover that I have never been taught, and therefore never learned, how to take notes. I frantically try to copy notes the way Vanessa takes them. Why does she write some things down but not others? We take our first test. I fail. I am told maybe I should switch back into regular classes. I refuse. I want to be really smart. Smart so I can grow up and write for Late Night with Conan O’Brien.
I join a historical reenactment group in my high school. I am given a random person to portray that was a friend of George Washington. Her name is Eliza Powell and she is the wife of the first governor of Pennsylvania. I later learn that Conan has a new girlfriend. Her name is Liza Powel. Mom takes me to Philadelphia to learn about my character. While we are there we visit a college: The University of the Arts. They have a program called “Writing for Film and Television.”
The last project I have in my English honors class is a free-form thing. I choose to write a short story. It’s about kids who watch the first Vietnam draft on TV in real time. It makes my mom cry. For the first time in the class all year, I get an A on an assignment. The teacher has thought of me as a moron with a good sense of humor all year. But now he sees me shine. I am a writer after all.
Every time we go to New York, I see Conan. Sometimes mom comes, sometimes I meet up with a Conan friend from the internet. I meet Gena in person and she tells me that if we wait in the lobby, they all come down and they love to talk. The band, the writers, the guests, all of them. I’m too nervous this time, but I have that knowledge in my back pocket. To be continued. Gena is an important character in my life and she comes back. I’m grateful she comes back.
Gena gets AFCOB people VIP tickets to a July show. We are the fan club, and we are important, dammit. Lots of us come from miles and miles away to attend the event. I am coming, and so is Julia. She is coming to New York for some time this summer with her family, and I finally, finally get to meet her in person after years of expensive phone calls, letters, postcards, video tapes, and gratitude for Conan bringing us together.
On July 27, mom and I ride the subway uptown to meet Julia and her family. It’s like one of those videos of twins separated at birth meeting for the first time. I am Danny DeVito. She is Arnold Schwarzenegger. We scream “YOU ARE REAL” so many times the words lose all meaning. We touch each other’s faces like paintings come to life. We hold hands all the way to 30 Rock.
We meet the “fan club” near Rockefeller Center. Our tickets are handed to us from the magical VIP envelope. I am mesmerized. The taping is a blur except for one thing. The musical guest is Blues Traveler. John Popper has lost one billion pounds. While the bands sets for the performance, the Max Weinberg 7 play. Julia tells me that if you blink like 10 times, your memory will record this moment. I blink and blink. Then I kiss her on the cheek. My sweet friend. You are finally real. And we are here.
In the lobby, we wait. Conan doesn't come down, and I am crushed, but maybe not as crushed as Julia. But who does come down is Scott Healy, who is very cute and plays a mean keyboard, and Andy Blitz who wrote Dudez A Plenti. I point this out to some of the other people waiting from our VIP group and they flock to him. He looks overwhelmed, but is still very sweet. All of these people are incredibly kind.
After the taping, Gena and I convince my mom that we should be able to go to the 3rd Del Close Marathon at UCB. We see The Swarm. I take a picture with Andy Daly. Iced Tea 2000. I am the happiest I have ever been up to that point.
Gena and I continue to go to tapings and UCB shows. During an April 2001 taping, Conan grabs the microphone during the show outtro and starts singing. "It's the end of the show song, the part they never play on TV..." I turn to Gena. HE'S DOING IT. HE'S SINGING THE END OF THE SHOW SONG. Gena is floored. "How have you never heard the end of the show song before?" This is only my 4th taping. I'm a novice and she is expert level at being in the audience. I don't mind, because I've finally seen him do something I've only heard about before. I feel like he did this just for me.
But that’s still part of the beginning. There’s more. #conan #thankyouconanobrien @teamcoco
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