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Conflict and Doubt Before the Epiphany of April 12

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The end of high school is shocking. And so, so fun. Kids that made fun of me for my physique and personality suddenly like me. They see me as funny. It’s not their fault, I’ve also gone from being the mean, misunderstood kid to being the good-natured funny kid in a few years.   Work hard, be kind. Find something that makes you want to be really smart.   Gena and I go to UCB next time I’m in New York. We stand outside in line waiting to get in when Andy Secunda walks by. We yell at him and he stops to talk to us. He points to the issue of The Onion under my arm. He calls us “comedy girls.” We talk about his job at Conan. He’s living the dream. My dream. How can I do this too? Can he help me? He's the first one I ask this (in person), but not the last. The UCB Theater is shut down by the fire Marshall. There’s no fire exit. I’m crushed.   I am accepted to 4 of the 6 colleges I apply to. The only true screenwriting program is at UArts. They offer me a scholarship. Philadelph...
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They All Have to Come Down Sometime

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In December of 2000, I get tickets to Late Night. I have ordered Conan’s 1996 Rolling Stone from eBay. I’m going to wait after the show and I’m going to do it. I’m going to meet Conan. Gena can’t go, so I go with another New York Conan girl - Mia. She’s bonkers. The whole day leading up to the taping, I am   a mess. I cant eat, my stomach is in knots. I’m going to meet Conan. Conan.   The taping is at 5:30pm and there’s a blizzard forecasted for New York and the surrounding area. The snow is supposed to start at 6am. Mom says we can stay but have to get up at 4:30 to catch the first train back to the car in New Jersey.   The line, the pre show, everything is a blur. Caroline Rhea is a guest. She’s a really fun Conan guest, maybe my favorite at that time. The show ends and my stomach is still in knots. I have eaten only bites of food for 24 hours. The show ends and we make our way to the lobby. We position ourselves between the two elevator bays that lead up to the NBC flo...
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The DeVito to Your Schwarzenegger

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My first days in AFCOB, the newsgroup, are typical teenage early internet days. I don’t know how to be, so I lie through my teeth about who I am. So what, because the internet is faceless and there are no consequences. Right? But then I meet Gena.   Gena (Jen-uh, don’t put it in your head incorrectly) is smart. She is a few years older and has been a Conan girl for longer. She has been to dozens of tapings. She knows where to go, what to do, and who is who at the show. She immediately calls me on my shit. She is right to do so. I apologize for being what I now know was a catfish. She forgives me, and we become friends. Good friends. Great friends. She laughs at my juvenile crush on Conan because she has a somewhat less juvenile crush on Mark Pender. And Pender is not only awesome at the trumpet, he is approachable. And kind. In the spring of sophomore year, I make a new Conan friend. She is a year younger than me and lives in Orange County, California. Her name is Julia, and I have...
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Could Have Been Cuter

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By the end of sophomore year of high school, I am not only fully obsessed with all things Conan, I have also established regular afternoon watch parties of my favorite Late Night sketches. The summer before junior year, my mom and I drive my brother back to college in Boston, and I have only one request: I want to go to Brookline.   Brookline, Massachusetts is the town where Conan grew up in his large family with 5 other kids and intimidatingly smart and successful parents - a doctor (he’s a microbiologist) and a lawyer (one of the first women in that field). My mom, ever supportive, agrees to take me to Brookline. After we move my brother into his apartment, out of the city we go on a pilgrimage that was sacred, but only to me.   We visit the town. We visit the library, the Catholic Church, and Brookline High School. I go inside like I own the place and visit the book store. I get a lot of weird looks. I buy a notebook, a pen, and a t-shirt. I still have all three. I get some...
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