Conflict and Doubt Before the Epiphany of April 12

The end of high school is shocking. And so, so fun. Kids that made fun of me for my physique and personality suddenly like me. They see me as funny. It’s not their fault, I’ve also gone from being the mean, misunderstood kid to being the good-natured funny kid in a few years.  Work hard, be kind. Find something that makes you want to be really smart. 

Gena and I go to UCB next time I’m in New York. We stand outside in line waiting to get in when Andy Secunda walks by. We yell at him and he stops to talk to us. He points to the issue of The Onion under my arm. He calls us “comedy girls.” We talk about his job at Conan. He’s living the dream. My dream. How can I do this too? Can he help me? He's the first one I ask this (in person), but not the last.

The UCB Theater is shut down by the fire Marshall. There’s no fire exit. I’m crushed. 

I am accepted to 4 of the 6 colleges I apply to. The only true screenwriting program is at UArts. They offer me a scholarship. Philadelphia is 99 miles from New York. This is a lot closer, so I’ll take it. I call my grandparents to tell them my news - I’m going to college. They’re thrilled for me. 

I win a senior class superlative - class clown. I wish the award is called “funniest person” because class clown makes me feel like an ass clown. I go to the prom with a boy I adore. Andrew. He becomes my boyfriend. I graduate from high school at DAR Constitution Hall, a room full of history. I spend most weekends at the DC Improv. 

My graduation gift from my mom is a trip to Orange, California to spend a week with Julia. Every day is perfect. Her family is full of teachers and artists and I love them all. Her friends are all so loving and kind. Julia loves me, so they do too. I’m grateful for so much. 

I meet my college roommate over the phone. She’s a dancer from central New Jersey. Her name is Amanda Bay and she is hilarious. There’s another girl too, but she hates us and moves out after a month. 

The day I leave for college, I am terrified. I don’t know anyone and have never been this far away from my family for this long. The phone rings and it’s my grandma. Grandpa had some sort of episode in the shower and has to go to the hospital. Now I’m not only terrified for school, I’m terrified for grandpa. My mom’s dad. My buddy. I say goodbye to my boyfriend in the driveway of my house, my parents are already in the car. He’s crying. I’m crying. I cry all 3 hours up I-95. I cant sleep in the hotel. 

Move in day is hard work. Then it starts raining. I don't have a raincoat or an umbrella, so mom takes me to K-Mart at the Gallery. It is an exceptionally shitty place. Philly in the rain is incredibly bad and ugly. Now I’m scared AND upset. I attend a little party in the dorm that first night. It’s pouring down rain so we stay inside. One girl smokes out the window. Another is having a screaming fight on the phone with her girlfriend. Who ARE these people? 

The next morning, my parents come to the dorm to say goodbye. I am not prepared for them to leave this early in the day. My father forces my mother out of my arms. I’m not done saying goodbye. Why won’t you let me finish? 

They leave and I melt into a puddle. Amanda’s parents left yesterday, so she has stopped crying by this point and tries to cheer me up. She’s good people and we don’t know anyone else. Then it occurs to me: I now live in a city where I not only know no one, but no one here loves me. It is the loneliest thought I’ve ever had. 

I make a few friends in the writing department. Everyone I seem to meet is from somewhere nearby so hardly anyone is around on the weekends. I’m lonely and sad and homesick. Why do I want to do this again? My brother drives down from New York to check on me. I’m a mess. He tells me it gets better when you make good friends. How long does that take? 

My friends from home are all joining a thing called The Facebook. I can’t join because UArts isn’t one of the recognized schools. Everyone is hanging out without me. 

I do well in my classes because there’s nothing else to do but be good at school. I also find Andy Secunda’s screen name and start chatting with him (bugging him, but he’s very sweet about it) over instant messenger. I am still homesick and doubtful about life. Am I supposed to feel like this?

Over spring break, I contemplate a transfer to Tennessee to do music ed. Mom and I drive down to Knoxville and I take an audition. The band director’s name is Sousa. That’s his real name. He laughs at the end of my audition. I ask him what he’s laughing about and he says “I’m laughing because you’re very, very good.” He offers me a scholarship. I plan to finish the year in Philadelphia and then start over in Tennessee. This feels weird but comforting somehow. 

In April, the UCB open a theater in a new location. I rake the train up to New York and meet Gena. We go to the new theater. We see The Swarm. After the show, Gena and I wait in the lobby. The theater is downstairs under a grocery store and smells a little like garbage. We linger and get weird looks from the staff. Secunda comes out of the theater and I stop him. “Hi Andy. I’m Mel.” He smiles.  We talk for a few minutes. During our conversation, he says something I will never forget. He tells me that he admires me for knowing exactly what I want to do with my life. This hits me like a slap in the face. He’s right. It’s April 12, 2003 and I  have had an epiphany. 

It’s raining outside but I don’t notice or care. Gena pulls me by the wrist through the streets back to the train and back to Hofstra. The whole walk to the train, I  am somewhere else. Rain pelts me in the face, but it doesn’t matter. My battery is charging. 

Back in Philly, I am charged like never before. I make new friends, I rent a studio apartment. I decline the offer from Tennessee. I’m going to do this, dammit. I’ve always known. 

This might be the beginning of the middle. But there’s still so much more. #conan #thankyouconanobrien @teamcoco 

My mortarboard for convocation. Conan representing. VMAC stands for Vanessa, Mel, Alex, Caitlin. 

I meet Bruce Campbell at a book signing in Arlington and get him to sign my script of the Brisco pilot. I am including this picture because this is the shirt I wore to my first Conan taping and apparently two years later still think I look cool.

Yes, I play the bagpipes. No, I sadly do not still have this outfit in my rotation.

I  am introduced to Jay Mohr as a 16 year-old comedy girl and he is delighted to make my acquaintance, and I am delighted that he does his Christopher Walken impression just for me. This picture is in my senior yearbook.

Alex, Vanessa and I with Lewis Black at the DC Improv. If it weren't for that horse, he never would have gotten through college.

Alex and me in Toronto for the Spring Band Trip. I love this shirt.

K, our high school band director with me, Caitlin and Layne. Toronto, spring 2002.

Me with Todd Barry at the DC Improv. His one man show, Icky, is named for something someone from AFCOB calls him. Be careful, everyone reads the internet.

 

Andrew on the physics field trip to Six Flags doing his impression of the wayward hungover teenagers that give the go ahead that roller coaster trams are ready to proceed.

Susie, Me, Vanessa, and Hannah at the graduation party Alex's parents threw for her.

Mom and me on Graduation Day. 

The 161 W. 23rd St. Location of UCB that closes its doors and breaks my heart.

An early picture of the Conan Wall in my childhood bedroom. 

Amanda, my freshman year roommate doing a sweet Bob Fosse look, but I think she looks like Michael Jackson.

I start to make some friends - Meredith, Amanda, Jen, Me. UArts, 2002.

I go home to visit Andrew for homecoming and we go out dressed like this. My dress is from 1968 (my mom's), his crushed velvet jacket is from 1975 (my dad's). 

My studio apartment in Philly, where I live for 2 years. It's Late Night themed. Mom and I crochet that blanket over the course of a summer.

Some of my beloved UCB postcard collection and pictures of me with some famous folks.

I hate that this picture is blurry and overexposed. Stupid film. Me with Secunda at the 26th St. UCB location after it first opened. April 12, 2003.